Lies I’ve Told You
Does this make me a sociopath?
In Jerusalem
Hezekiah’s Tunnel was dug with spoons.
There’s a secret door in Zedekiah’s cave; If you knock on it and provide the man a few sheckels, he’ll let you see the bones of what the Israelis believe is an ancient cave monster that missed the ark in the Great Flood.
Melchizidek was the king of Salem during the Salem Witch Trials.
My mom said I couldn’t hang out with you.
If the Huffington Post says it, it’s true.
My name is Ray.
It worked for me
When it comes to relationships, always ask yourself, “What’s in it for me?”
If you’re really in love with someone, you can’t catch his/her mono.
If you can’t bake or cook, back scratches are the way to a man’s human’s heart.
If you want to avoid serious relationships, the best thing to do is to involve yourself in as may love triangles as possible and wait for it to blow up in your face.
The opposite sex is attracted to pheromones, so never cover them up with soap, deodorant, etc.
If your man can’t read your mind, he’s not the one for you.
Find you a man who talks about you like Brian talks about plants.
Find you a man who looks at you like Alec looks at rocks.
Channel your inner gargoyle.
Once you’ve mastered the wink, take your flirtatiousness up a notch by trying the eye twitch.
Always post a picture of your first dates on social media so that your date knows you’re invested in the relationship.
Mixed signals mean mixed feelings. – Brian
Inspired by the Holy City
The only way to ensure that your ailment is treated correctly is to self-diagnose and self-treat your illnesses (webMD is great for this).
If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying hard enough (applies mostly, but is not limited to, board games and knockout).
If you save the booty you plunder, you won’t have to plunder as much booty.
You are never too old to use “My mom said no” as an excuse.
Eat another taco.
Universities and employers look for well-rounded individuals. To achieve this, don’t excel at anything.
You can’t go wrong with plaid on plaid.
Eat food off of the floor to strengthen your immune system.
Always follow the rules except when it’s more fun to not follow the rules.
If she ain’t your momma, she ain’t the boss of you.
For the more mature ladies out there, the key to a youthful glow is a denim overall dress (pigtails help too).
Love yourself: get two ice creams (and always buy the gummies).
If you disagree with someone, the best way to sort it out is via Facebook.
If you post a selfie without an inspiring quote, no one will take you seriously.
Base your self-worth entirely on how many likes your selfies get on Instagram.
Subtweeting is passive aggressive so just @ them.
The whiter you are, the more sun that reflects off of your skin, so wear minimal sunscreen.
Establish that you are the alpha in your religion class setting by commenting at every opportunity.
Save money on winter coats by getting fat instead.
If you get mad at your mom, the best retribution is to get your nose pierced.
“We are poor folk but keep your chin up cause you’re a winner.” – Bruce